Oh the Places You'll Go!

You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where you'll go...

Dr Seuss was a genius.

The only thing I would add to this quote is that God has really steered me in which direction I have gone in my life- even when I didn't realize it. He led me to Chad. He, through much prayer and discernment, led us to this new life here on the farm. He has led me to find qualities within myself that I didn't know I had.

And now, we're expecting a baby. Though I'm thrilled and grateful for this blessing, it wasn't always that way. I went through many emotions after finding out I was pregnant. I will always consider a baby a blessing, so I immediately felt blessed. But it took a while to get used to. Money is a big concern. And for me- my immediate thought was this: How can I care for 3 children, plus a newborn, plus and a mother who has stage IV lung cancer?

My mother is well right now, for the most part. But what about 6 months from now, when baby comes? What about a year from now? What about...??? When I let myself continue on that train of though, my head would spin. Worry, fear, and anxiety would set in, and I would cry. And cry. And cry. How could I be unhappy about having a baby? I wasn't unhappy. I was confused. I was emotional. Immediate morning sickness, headaches, and dizziness did NOT help this. And then I started to wonder, am I getting too old for a baby? I didn't feel this crappy with the boys. And we still have unpacked boxes in our garage from the move. And there is still so much to be done on this house. And...and...AHHHHH!!!

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked. Some windows are lighted, but mostly, they're darked. But mostly they're darked. A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin! Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in? How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And then, I took some deep breaths, and I let go.

I've had three c-sections. Three. And they are not easy. I did not choose to go that route. It just ended up that way. And they kind of scare me. And having a fourth one? Almost terrifying. And then there there's post-partum depression. I have that too. But, again, I've let go. Why? Because I know I will be taken care of. Because I can't hold on to feelings of anxiety and fear. And because I know enough about myself to know that God has equipped me with what I need to get through whatever lies ahead. And, at the end of it, there will be a baby. A new life. A new person to get to know. The snuggles. The giggles. Tiny fingers and toes. Baby grins. Many, many firsts. It all lies ahead too. How can I be anxious about that?

My one last source of anxiety has been this: what will others think about my pregnancy? I am NOT one to care about what people think of me. I used to be that person, but a wise person (whom I am married to) once told me, "If you are worried about what others think, that is a reflection on you. If you think others are going to think bad things about you and judge you, maybe it's because you do that to others." He was right. And once I stopped judging and caring what others do, I no longer cared about what others thought of me. But yet...with this pregnancy, those feelings crept back in. "You have 4 kids? Wow, you have your hands full." "Oh, another mouth to feed. Haven't you heard that there is an over-population problem in the world?" "Were you TRYING to have a baby?" "Were you TRYING for a girl?" "You are a brave woman." "You just moved, your mother is sick, are you crazy?" Yadda, yadda, yadda. I'm not going to say if these are actual comments/questions that people have asked me. Some are, but some are just thoughts in my head. I was really hung up on this. These intrusive questions. These judgements. They can be hurtful, even when people don't mean them to be. So, I was worried. Can I handle the judgment from others? What I found, once people started to find out about our fourth baby, is that I was pleasantly surprised. Everyone has been very excited for us and supportive. No judgi-ness. No negative comments. Just pleasantries and support. I still get some silly questions and comments, but they are usually from complete strangers, and I usually kind of blow them off, in the nicest way possible. Not long ago, my dental hygientist told me, in complete detail, HOW to conceive a girl. This, while she was cleaning my teeth. I have not gone to her since. That was just too much.

I share this to all who care to read this blog, for the same reason that I created this blog. Dear reader, this is NOT for you. This is for me. This is for my babies. This is for us. I want to look back one day on these words of struggle, and I want to reflect on where I was during this time. Where was my heart? Where was my spirit? Right now, I struggle as a mother. I struggle as a daughter, and as a wife, and as a sister. My dear children, one day, if/when you read this, know that you are a huge part of the journey. YOU are loved. YOU are wanted. YOU are what makes it great. Without the bad, there would be no good. And without God, this life, these treasures that I have in you, and the light of the joy that you bring into my life, would not be possible. And so for that, I am forever grateful. Forever full of joy, no matter what kind of stresses or struggles each day brings. Onward up many, a frightening creek. Though your arms will get sore and your sneakers may leak. Oh! The places you'll go!